I wrote this article in 2005 for a personal zine which I never published. However it got published in Letters journal, original site of which has disappeared a long time ago.
After Greek movement of 2008, insurrectional and anti-organisational anarchism has gained a hegemony in anarchist movement worldwide. With it, the idea of "organic" affinities and friendships as an alternative to other means of human connections. This point of view is abundant, just one example is Inhabit: Instructions for autonomy In this old text, I offer a point of view that there is nothing inherently "anti-capitalist" in affinities and friendships, but matter of mutuality and exploitation is a more subtle one. Whereas I am currently not the rather disappointed and depressed person who wrote this text 13 years ago, I feel that the general criticism still holds.
Friendship and loneliness
Much has been said about fetishization of closed loving relationships with the opposite sex in our society, relations which should last forever but which rarely do, at least without sacrifices not worth of it. But I think there is pretty much idealization of the friendship around as well.
Whereas closed loving relationships are mutual slavery, with friendship a free capitalism reigns. Favors are exchanged for favors. Secrets are exchanged for secrets. Balance must be guarded tightly, otherwise suspicion arises. Amount of friendship you may buy from the market of the human relations is limited by your time and resources, you may only have a few deep relations or several more superficial ones. If you become more close with somebody in particular, other relations immediately suffer. Most of the time there is somebody more important for you, than you are for her/him, and vice versa.
Often friendship relations are hierarchical – you have best friend, second best friend and so on. Different social hierarchies also penetrate these relations, you wish friendship of those with a status higher than yours. Friendship is a continuous battlefield, where you must earn your place. You see this most concretely in kindergarden, where you must earn your friends everyday, and you may loose your social status overnight. “Will you play with me today?” With time, these relations become more stable, but a low-intensity warfare does not mean peace.
We all are full of shit – bitterness, jeaulousy, disappointments, violent fantasies filled with sex and revenge, feelings of worthlessness. Social conventions demand that we keep this shit inside of us. Friends are there to get spilled with this shit when it boils over. In exchange, you must not only be prepared to take their shit, but also to spend your time in order to ensure their trust, and to share good moments as well in order to feel worthy. Occasionally, this shit may also be on demand due to human curiosity. This is where gossip market emerges.
Loneliness means that you have been defeated in the war of human relations. You have put too much odds on one or two main relationships that failed, that means, you have given too much of your friendliness to too few people. Or you have concentrated your efforts to some completely other business.
People usually make difference between lovers and friends. Stereotypically, one has closest relationship with lover, which is of other sex, friends are there to fall back on in case this relationship fails, and they are of the same sex. This stereotype seldom works. Many people get better along with their opposite sex, such friendship relations are both vulnerable and envied by those for whom opposite sex is a mystery. People are even more scared of falling in love with their friends of same sex. Lets get it straight – loving relationship only differs by friendship by sex. I do not see much difference between hugging, kissing and fucking – I never figured out why for all the rest it is such a big deal.
We who desire end of capitalism, seldom see how deeply its model of action is embedded into human society. There is no fundamental difference between an exchange that involves money and barter. What both have in common, is that only own interest is taken into account. That is fundamental source of alienation from each other. Opposite of barter is a gift, an exchange without counterpart. That is fundament of an anarcho-communist economy.
If friendship and love is about barter as well, what hope there is to get rid of capitalism? I have tried to develop other kind of relations with people, which is difficult because I do not have very much good feelings to share in the first place. Occasionally, I try to contact friends lost long time ago, who do not expect anything good from me anymore. This although I do not need many friends. Once I used most of my emotional resources to support a person, who seldom gave me anything in exchange. But it was hard, perhaps I unconsciously wished to have more, and I also had a conscious suspicion that I was not necessary for her in the first place. I still believe that my help was necessary, and she could not give much back because she was even less emotionally able than I am. But in the process, I felt like becoming a wasteland.
After Greek movement of 2008, insurrectional and anti-organisational anarchism has gained a hegemony in anarchist movement worldwide. With it, the idea of "organic" affinities and friendships as an alternative to other means of human connections. This point of view is abundant, just one example is Inhabit: Instructions for autonomy In this old text, I offer a point of view that there is nothing inherently "anti-capitalist" in affinities and friendships, but matter of mutuality and exploitation is a more subtle one. Whereas I am currently not the rather disappointed and depressed person who wrote this text 13 years ago, I feel that the general criticism still holds.
Friendship and loneliness
Much has been said about fetishization of closed loving relationships with the opposite sex in our society, relations which should last forever but which rarely do, at least without sacrifices not worth of it. But I think there is pretty much idealization of the friendship around as well.
Whereas closed loving relationships are mutual slavery, with friendship a free capitalism reigns. Favors are exchanged for favors. Secrets are exchanged for secrets. Balance must be guarded tightly, otherwise suspicion arises. Amount of friendship you may buy from the market of the human relations is limited by your time and resources, you may only have a few deep relations or several more superficial ones. If you become more close with somebody in particular, other relations immediately suffer. Most of the time there is somebody more important for you, than you are for her/him, and vice versa.
Often friendship relations are hierarchical – you have best friend, second best friend and so on. Different social hierarchies also penetrate these relations, you wish friendship of those with a status higher than yours. Friendship is a continuous battlefield, where you must earn your place. You see this most concretely in kindergarden, where you must earn your friends everyday, and you may loose your social status overnight. “Will you play with me today?” With time, these relations become more stable, but a low-intensity warfare does not mean peace.
We all are full of shit – bitterness, jeaulousy, disappointments, violent fantasies filled with sex and revenge, feelings of worthlessness. Social conventions demand that we keep this shit inside of us. Friends are there to get spilled with this shit when it boils over. In exchange, you must not only be prepared to take their shit, but also to spend your time in order to ensure their trust, and to share good moments as well in order to feel worthy. Occasionally, this shit may also be on demand due to human curiosity. This is where gossip market emerges.
Loneliness means that you have been defeated in the war of human relations. You have put too much odds on one or two main relationships that failed, that means, you have given too much of your friendliness to too few people. Or you have concentrated your efforts to some completely other business.
People usually make difference between lovers and friends. Stereotypically, one has closest relationship with lover, which is of other sex, friends are there to fall back on in case this relationship fails, and they are of the same sex. This stereotype seldom works. Many people get better along with their opposite sex, such friendship relations are both vulnerable and envied by those for whom opposite sex is a mystery. People are even more scared of falling in love with their friends of same sex. Lets get it straight – loving relationship only differs by friendship by sex. I do not see much difference between hugging, kissing and fucking – I never figured out why for all the rest it is such a big deal.
We who desire end of capitalism, seldom see how deeply its model of action is embedded into human society. There is no fundamental difference between an exchange that involves money and barter. What both have in common, is that only own interest is taken into account. That is fundamental source of alienation from each other. Opposite of barter is a gift, an exchange without counterpart. That is fundament of an anarcho-communist economy.
If friendship and love is about barter as well, what hope there is to get rid of capitalism? I have tried to develop other kind of relations with people, which is difficult because I do not have very much good feelings to share in the first place. Occasionally, I try to contact friends lost long time ago, who do not expect anything good from me anymore. This although I do not need many friends. Once I used most of my emotional resources to support a person, who seldom gave me anything in exchange. But it was hard, perhaps I unconsciously wished to have more, and I also had a conscious suspicion that I was not necessary for her in the first place. I still believe that my help was necessary, and she could not give much back because she was even less emotionally able than I am. But in the process, I felt like becoming a wasteland.
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